Dave Barry's Colonoscopy

Its Tuesday and I had so many things I wanted to rant about today from bad drivers, bad toupees and bad advertising ads and then my friend Jay sent me a piece that Dave Barry wrote on his colonoscopy.

It had me in tears so those rants will have to wait. Dont operate a vehicle, no sharp objects around and for heaven's sake, do NOT DRINK anything while reading this or its coming out your nose.

Enjoy.

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Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable , a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This
is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy ?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy , from
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all....
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is
not up there?

Songs They Should Sing For Disco Week On American Idol

And then there were 7 on American Idol.

Last week Idol made, wait for it and drum roll..... history (whipteedowho). This year the show decided to add a twist to the voting process where the judges could overturn the voting American public and save a contestant. Doesn't that just defeat the purpose of letting America vote? (I feel a rant on that topic coming soon) So even though America voted Matt off, the judges spared him for another week.

I agree with Simon, Matt won't win this. Neither will Lil. The girl has struggled and hasn't picked the right songs. So Idols let me do you a favor and pick your songs for Disco week.

Lil, show them where you live and nail Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive.

Matt a little Earth Wind and Fire's Boogie Wonderland (and for goodness sake, play the piano).

Anoop's been on a roll for a few weeks. Go with Mcfadden and
Whitehead's Ain't No Stoppin Us Now.

Kris I think your chops work for Dan Hartman's Instant Replay.

Allison, Donna Summer's McArthur Park (would someone tell me who left the cake out in the rain?).

Danny, Ladies Night by Kool and the Gang,

and last but not least Adam its, Born To Be Alive by Patrick Hernandez.

Your welcome and if any of you even try Bee Gees' stuff, you are looking at the wrath of the judges. How do you sing a Bee Gees song and make it your own?

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